On First Ladies and Pastor’s Wives

I am always amazed at the number of hits that postings on pastor’s wives generates. I have mentioned pastor’s wives here before.

Candy Cooper, the wife of the president of Drew University, has an article in today’s Chronicle of Higher Education on the role of “First Ladies,” the spouses of college presidents. I didn’t read too far into the article before it all sounded slightly familiar.

Cooper reports that as the spouse of a college president she often

--feels that she must put on a persona and act a part.

--has the impression that most colleges consider the First Lady to be free labor, thrown in as “part of the deal.”

--wonders if she can pursue other interests outside the university

--wonders if the First Lady can ever have friends from the campus

Some thoughts that this article generates for/about pastor’s wives--

*Develop friendships with other pastor’s wives. The insight Cooper gained occurred when she was at a meeting with other president’s wives. We all need fellowship. Pastors and their wives cannot always (if ever!) get that in their own church. Where possible they must seek it out in other contexts.

*Work hard at maintaining balance in your family. Kadie and I have had some hard discussions over my time allocation. She makes it known to me when my calendar priorities don’t match my stated (family first) priorities. All too often I'm driven to keep my career going at the expense of my family. She works to keep my attention on our wellbeing, instead of simpy my well being. Kadie's family force is cetripetal while mine is centrifugal, keeping me tethered during those times when I’m careening careering out of control.

*Develop interests outside the church family. Not every pastor’s wife has a job outside the home, but every pastor’s wife needs to have interests outside the home. Cooper wondered if she would need to give up her journalistic interests when she became a college first lady. Now she has found a new outlet for them. Every pastor’s wife I have met has had hidden talents (writing, singing, accounting, painting and others) that they are not always able to express at church. Join a club or advocacy organization. If truly desperate, write a blog (preferably anonymously).

*I struggle with this last thought. Cooper seems to have found some sense of herself with the idea of putting on the mask of a heroine and dashing off to be “Super First Lady”. Here I part ways with her. While pastors and their wives are often taught to wear masks as self-protection, in a certain sense I always want to push for greater genuineness. It seems to me to be for our greater emotional health when our public and private personae correspond. I think that Cooper tacitly recognizes this when she writes her article. Her article, in a very real sense involves unmasking. Unfortunately, few pastor’s wives feel that they have that sort of freedom.

To those of us who are not pastor’s wives, maybe this will stimulate some thinking on ways we can minister to pastor’s wives.

Other thoughts???