Seinfeld, Taran, and Uri

Kadie says that I am strange and have several idiosyncracies of almost Seinfeldian proportions. This is particularly true of silverware that must go in my mouth. All in all, I need for things to be smooth and even. Specifically, fork tines must be equal. Although Kadie insists it is yet one more sign of my impending institutionalization, I have sent forks at restaurants back because the tines were uneven. The lack of symmetry is horrific and makes for an unpleasant feeling in my mouth. I want to leave bent forks to Uri Geller.* I even coined the phrase "Lips that touch tines will never touch mine".

What brought on this particular post was a discussion (as opposed to a fight) that Kadie and I had the other day over a spoon dropped down the disposal. After the (self installed by the way) In-Sink-Erator chewed up the bowl of the spoon, I told her that we should throw it away.

"But it is still useable." she said.

I recoiled. "That spoon has no further use in our family and I pronounce it unclean!" I declared.

She ignored me and put it back in the drawer, taking great care to mix it up with the other, normal spoons. She doth vex me so.

Nevertheless, I remain convinced that there is something deeply unholy about cutlery that bites you back.

* I am intrigued that Uri Geller's homepage includes his views on such world critical issues as his favorite sports teams and a link to his own line of jewelry. BTW, Uri Geller makes a brief appearance in the lines of one of my very favorite Contemporary Christian bands.

Secretary's Week

Last August, our secretary suffered a stroke while working. She is recovering, but after 10 months of therapy has concluded that she will be unable to function at 100% and has recently announced her retirement. Since she is a state employee with little previous illness, she had accumulated around 11 months of paid sick leave. Given our state's, uhhh generous history with fiscal shenanigans, there is a law saying that two people cannot be paid to do one job. So, no temporary worker was hired.

During the last 10 months, I have been doing her job as well as my own. It has been the worst 10 months of my professional life. We now have a new, awesome secretary and life is again pleasant.

In honor of Administrative Assistant's Week, I offer the following humerous (and mildly blasphemous) entry.

The College Food Chain
(Hat Tip)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a pup tent
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

THE DEPARTMENTAL SECRETARY
Picks up tall buildings and walks under them
Knocks locomotives off track when sneezes
Catches speeding bullets in teeth for fun
Parts large bodies of water
Is God

Vocational Dreams

While a driven student, I had a recurring dream. I dreamed that I had accidentally signed up for a class and then that I never went to it all semester long. I always found out about it at the end of the semester and I had to go explain to the professor why he had never seen me before that time. I have spoken to other students (especially graduate students) and I now know that this dream is not uncommon.

But now I know that professors have dreams too. Mine are now just the opposite. Now, during stressful times in the semester, I dream that I have forgotten about a class I have been assigned. The entire semester goes by and I only find out about the class during the week before final exams. I immediately go to the class and offer them A’s if they will only remain quiet about the whole incident.

As a professor I realize the absurdity of each of these dreams. In the student dream, no prof would ever, EVER let me off the hook. As a department chair, I know now that students start showing up in my office if a faculty member is only 10 minutes late to a single class.

Years ago, in grad school, I used to work late nights at Chili's. On the weekend shifts I would get home between 2 and 3 in the morning and then I would dream that I kept waiting tables all night long.

The tips were always better in my dreams...Does anyone else have dreams about their occupations?

Seed Falling on Rocky or Fertile Ground?

One of my greatest joys about working at a state institution is getting to teach religious studies to students who have never read these texts before. Although I never dreamed that I would be working at a state school, I have flourished here. I have had many wonderful encounters with colleagues and students over the years of my work. One of my favorite things is to talk with students one on one in my office as they wrestle with issues of their faith or their lack of faith. I remember Nancy, who was simply taking an elective to fulfill her pre-pharmacy requirement. She was very intellectual, and had not been raised in a religious tradition. She took my Old Testament survey class as a way to burn through some elective hours, but also in order to read these texts in a neutral (nonreligious) setting.

She was especially entranced by the prophets. She was drawn to their powerful sense of justice and concern for the poor and distressed. Nancy was equally enchanted by the book of Job. She was amazed that someone could be so passionately faithful to God, while at the same time rage against Yahweh for all of the pain and suffering that he encountered.

Toward the end of the semester, Nancy came by the office to inform me that she was committed to reading the entire Old Testament. She told me that while she had never read these texts before, she looked forward to reading them through slowly and deliberately. She thanked me for the class and for the objective way that approached classroom discussion. I wished her well as she left my office and left our campus for pharmacy school.

I often wonder what ever happened to her? Did these texts change her life in the same way that they have changed mine?

A Burden of Parenting

We had a difficult situation to handle the other day. Scooter has a friend her age at church named Sandra. Sandra’s parents are divorced, and she spends alternate weekends with each of her parents. While at her mother’s home (in another town) she often has friends over to spend the night. Recently, Sandra asked Scooter to spend the night at her father’s house.

Now her father, Jim, is one of the nicest men in our church. He is very active and has taught all three of our kids in Sunday School. But here’s the catch: he’s still single. And at the end of the day, Kadie and I were uncomfortable with Scooter spending the night with them. We agonized over this decision, but ultimately decided to follow our rule about not allowing Scooter to spend the night with people we do not know extremely well. (Outside of family, I think she has spent the night in two homes over the last ten years). We did let Scooter play with Sandra during the day, but did not let her spend the night.

We had a similar situation last year where an acquaintance of Scooter’s (not really a friend) invited her over to a slumber/birthday party. We didn’t know the parents at all and finally decided to let her go play until around 10:00 pm and then picked her up and returned her at 7:00 the next morning. Her parents repeatedly assured us that Scooter could stay the night, but we didn’t allow her to. We were the weird parents!!

The statistics about sexual abuse absolutely terrify me. 1 in 3 girls will be sexually abused before the age of 18. So at the university, in one of my typical classes of 60 students (around 40 girls), about 13 girls have been molested. So besides being “overprotective parents” (Jim’s words), what else do we do?

1) We talk to the girls. We specifically tell them that no one should ever touch them anywhere their bathing suit covers. Also they should never touch anyone else wherever their bathing suit covers. We try to reinforce this in a serious conversation every year or so.

2) We talk to them from time to time about the importance of being open with us. One of my fears is that something will happen and they will be too ashamed to share it with us. We try to prevent that by always being accessible and assuring them of our love no matter what.

3) We explain to the girls why they cannot spend the night or play in someone’s house we do not know very well. I have found that when we take the time to explain it, they are often more understanding.

4) We pray always for their safety. Ultimately, as much as we would like to be the ones in control, only God can keep them safe. We pray for them constantly and trust in the LORD to keep them in the palm of his hand.

Do you have any other suggestions???

So ultimately, while we damaged our relationship with Jim, I do feel that we made the right decision. Ultimately we will sacrifice some of their fun, and some of our comfort, in order to try to do our best to keep the girls safe.

Good Friday

Taking a cue from veteran father Bowden McElroy, I looked forward to Friday when both the kids and I were out of school. Kadie worked the 7a to 3p shift and I timed it just right so that she and Squealer would both take a nap when she got home. After they were each unconscious, Scooter, Skeeter and I rode bikes up to the University campus. As I have noted, this isn’t new to me, but Skeeter in particular has made great strides in her riding ability. Apparently she secretly practiced all winter, because she inexplicably has gotten much, much better.

I was a nervous wreck as we made the trip from our home to the campus. I now know what mother ducks feel like as they waddle across the rode with their little chicks in formation behind them. After we made it to the sanctuary of the campus, I relaxed tremendously. We are a commuter campus, so the streets that criss-crossed the school were largely abandoned and the girls took turns playing follow the leader, while I was all-time follower. (I secretly preferred this because then I could keep my eye on them). We rode around the campus until we were exhausted.

I then opened up the Liberal Arts building to hit the coke machines for some Sprite. We sat and rested under a large oak tree where we refreshed ourselves with the cool taste of lemon/lime. While sitting there, Skeeter and I watched the cars in the distance while Scooter tested the effects of Sprite on ants. (They thrived!). After an hour of wonderful relaxation we returned back to the house. Mom and Squealer were now awake and I enjoyed hearing the girls excitedly relate their adventures.

A Good Friday indeed.

Hoppy Easter

Hat Tip: Becky

Reflections on Cycling

This week I got back into my groove. I returned to something I had put away throughout the winter months: riding my bicycle to work. Kadie and I wanted to live close to where we work. We purchased a home around 2 miles from our places of employment. My morning ride is relatively brief, lasting maybe 15 minutes. But it is peaceful. It allows me a chance to collect my thoughts before the onslaught of students and faculty hit.

There are also the physical benefits. It gets my heart rate up shortly before I arrive at work and also amps up my energy level to start the day. My ride home is more leisurely. I get the odd stare from the occasional student as I meander my way along the sidewalks of campus. It is fun to slowly make my way home and simply to enjoy the view. I enjoy the almost pastoral feeling I get when I ride by the verdant field surrounding our campus. Plus I see the kids in our neighborhood playing and get to revel in the sounds of children laughing and puppies barking. All in all, it is an unusual and enjoyable part of my day.


Plus gas just hit 2.70 a gallon here!!

A Waif

She knelt down beside my desk and leaned over to whisper a question “Am I going to be alright?” “Pardon?” I said. I was sitting at a desk in front of my class. They were taking their second exam of the semester. She had turned in her test, but was now kneeling, and shaking, as she repeated her question. “Will I be OK?” she softly said.

Now normally, students say nothing to me after they take their exam. Typically they turn it in and saunter out of the classroom. I often feel like the SNL skit where the airline attendant (David Spade) says “Buh-Bye”. I nod and say thank you as they turn in the test. It’s idiotic I know, but society demands that we speak inanities in certain social occasions. Plus if I only nod, then they say “Thank you” which is even more asinine. I mean, why thank me for an exam?

So I was confused by her question. I looked again at her. She is waifishly thin, too thin in fact. Her dark eyes peer anxiously out from under her closely cropped, bright orange hair. Her arms are covered with tattoos and her lips pierced with a variety of studs. She doesn’t speak much in class, but emotes an unusual sweetness. This tough exterior seems like an extension of make-up, designed to cover up and to change what she hides underneath. It’s like she is a little girl trying out a young adult’s body.

“What I mean is, I made an A on my first test, but I just bombed this one. I mean, I know that I failed it. With the final and the quiz scores averaged in, will I still be alright?” she explained. She was shaking as she asked this, and her terminology was arresting. She wasn’t asking if her grade would remain high, but rather would she be ok.

The situation, with us whispering back and forth, wasn’t very conducive to conversation. So I looked directly at her and said “You are going to be ok. You will be fine.” And I meant it. I don’t know how she did on the exam or how it will affect her grades. But I am sure that it will not be catastrophic to her. 95% of my students don’t care enough about their grades. But 5% care deeply. They care too much in fact. On a few occasions during the semester I try to emphasize the fact that your self-worth is not reducible to your GPA (Thank God!).

After I answered her question, she seemed to relax a bit. I will talk with her more in the future, but today it seemed that she simply needed a little reassurance. She left the classroom with a lighter load.

I like the fact that my job gives me little opportunities like this from time to time.

Request: Denied!

Well, that was unpleasant.

Sorry for going dark for so long.

Last Tuesday our Dean stopped by my office and delivered a punch to the gut. Well, metaphorically anyway. He very apologetically, and also very painfully informed me that my tenure request had been denied.

Well then.

The surprise surpassed the anger. I have been told for years that my tenure was essentially a formality and that my work in the three areas of research, service and teaching were all above the level of the typical faculty member going up for tenure.

When I assembled my tenure file last fall, the department, dean and campus administration approved it in rapid succession. From here it went to the State system and was to be rubber stamped before it reached our system board for approval. This was the level where it was rejected.

Apparently there is a new sheriff in town and my file had one sticking point: it was early. Usually faculty go up for tenure in their sixth year, but due to some fuzzy math, this is technically my fifth year. But I was assured that it was not an issue. Those assurances were wrong. Give it a try next year. Next year it will be a done deal.

I don’t want to get blogged down in my professional failures, but I can’t let this event pass by unmentioned. I will not spend much time discussing this here at Coffeespoons. My prayer is that this will be a momentary setback and not a tectonic shifting of my calling and our lives.

Obviously God works through failures like this. I pray that we will see how God redeems this for his purposes. I am reminded that after all, God is in the Redemption business!

Through Dark Times

When we walk with the Lord

in the light of his word,

what a glory he sheds on our way!

While we do his good will,

he abides with us still,

and with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way

to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Please keep us in your prayers. Blogging will be sporadic for the next few days.