A Word for Pastor’s Wives

The Winkler case is a terrible tragedy. Although the trial has not taken place, it seems apparent to all that Mary Carol Winkler killed her husband (who was a pastor in the small town of Selmer, TN) and fled with her small children. It should go without saying, that Mrs. Winkler succumbed to events outside her control and will now face the appropriate consequences of her actions. Nothing I say below justifies or removes her from culpability for her actions.

Reading through this article, I was reminded again of the expectations placed upon pastor’s wives. Obviously there are certain demands that a pastor experiences that are specific to that ministry. But I am convinced that the way of a pastor’s wife is even more difficult. There is the physical isolation as the pastor is on call 24/7. But even worse is the social isolation of being in a new environment away from family and friends.

I recall in seminary the loneliness of spouses who moved to Ft. Worth from across the globe. While their husbands were often consumed with new friends and new ideas in the classroom, their wives were often left alone with the children back in campus housing. I suspect that this dynamic plays out on the ministry field all to often.

They must sacrifice time with their husbands and protect their family, all the while living under the microscope of the church community. There is a peculiar expectation placed upon them that they themselves can't act like other women, but must always maintain appearences.

Here is the line that struck me from the end of the article. Mrs. Everitt, was a neighbor of the Winklers and described how difficult it can be for strangers to move into Selmer. She says

“You're not really excluded," she said, "you're just not included."

Add the isolation of having to be a role model as the preacher's wife, Everitt said, and "you just have to feel sorry" for Mary Winkler.

"It keeps her from having true friends. To me, a friend is someone you can call at 2 o'clock in the morning, squalling and bawling your eyes out at whatever trauma is going on. Now tell me, can a minister's wife ever do that?”

I think that very few minister wives can. It is a sad indictment on all of us who call ourselves ministers that there is such an artificial expectation placed upon the pastor’s family. If there wasn’t such a demand on minister families to present trouble free living and plastic smiles, then perhaps the church members would also live more genuine lives at church.

My own dear bride Kadie is an exceptional person and would be a far better pastor’s wife than I would be a pastor. But as we were working through God’s calling on our lives, she clearly felt that God has not called her to be a pastor’s wife.

And being a pastor’s wife is definitely not a job for someone who isn’t called to it!