A colleague’s 30 year old daughter died this week and the funeral was this morning. During the process of grieving with a colleague in a loss of this magnitude, I was struck again with how unusual the pastoral ministry is. As a pastor, I grew accustomed to hospital visits and to spending time with grieving families during highly emotional situations. But most people aren’t experienced with these types of situations. For many, hospital visits and trips to the visitation time at the funeral home are necessarily awkward and simply to be endured. Although these times bring devastation into the lives of people, I think it is their rarity that causes people to respond in surprising ways.
Shortly after speaking to the colleague I was asked by another coworker “How did he sound?” I struggled for a moment before answering. I’m still not sure what answer they were looking for. Another colleague was angry because someone in the College of Business found out about her death before he did. “They are in a completely different college and I am in his own department. That’s not right!” I told him that shocking news like this can be difficult to direct.
I am convinced that one reason why people so often say the wrong things to those who are grieving is because there is no right thing to say. It is a reminder of the tremendous power that death holds over our society.
Most often, the best response is the response of Job’s friends when they first arrive on the scene of the mournful Job. “They sat with [Job] on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a wordto him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.” Job 3:13. Job’s friends take a lot of heat for their subsequent diatribes, but it was their silent suffering alongside Job that gave them credibility in his eyes for their later conversation. Sometimes silent presence can be a tremendous source of comfort.
Please pray for my colleague and his loss.
3 comments:
I can still remember the ache of anger I felt when a nurse came into my father's room just after he had passed away to announce how sorry she was and how we could take as long as we needed. Since that moment I've been silently (until now) waiting for the opportunity to just be quiet in someone else's moment of grief.
Taran, an 80 year old man in our community went missing on Tuesday. A search party was formed yesterday to look for him. After two hours his body was found and they called us back to the fire department to give us the news. After the announcement his family just stood in the center of the room crying. I didn't know the family, but went to several of them to offer condolences. One older lady, whom I had never met, grabbed me and just sobbed on my shoulder for about five minutes. Grief is such a powerful emotion. Sometimes we need silence and other times we need shoulders.
DD
One other thing, and this is for you and your readers. When my mom died last year over 75 people wrote a message to us via the online obituary. I can't tell you the comfort reading those comments have given me since her passing. Let me encourae all of you to send a message via that medium if you are able.
DD
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